Love is not a Sin
by YarnPixxi
Summary: While trying to help Logan with his nightmares, Kurt is forced to acknowledge dreams of his own.


AN: I do not own anything of the xmen characters or locations.

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><p>It's the middle of the night at Charles Xavier's School for gifted youngsters. Usually, all would be quiet. A tv might be on in the Common, being watched by a few students who don't sleep. Though as a whole; quiet. Truth be told though, it hasn't been it's usual quiet for a little over a week now. At the moment, Logan is screaming in his room. He sits up and shreds the bed to bits with his claws. Nothing in the room is safe. Desk. Chair. Dresser. He rages, destroying the place.<p>

Kurt bamfs into the room, filling the space with the delicious scent of brimstone, "Logan," he says calmly in his thick German accent. He takes a cautious step towards the Wolverine, "Logan..." He repeats and takes another step forward. He cups Logan's face in his hands and looks into Logan's eyes, "Logan. Listen to my voice. Come back to me. What you're experiencing isn't real. Come back."

Logan presses his claws to Kurt's throat with a growl.

"Logan. You don't want to hurt me. I know you don't. Come back to me," Kurt smooths his fingers over Logan's sweaty forehead.

Logan digs into Kurt's flesh and his breathing quickens.

Kurt bamfs behind Logan and holds him tightly. He puts his mouth next to Logan's ear, "Follow my voice, Logan. Wake up. Come back to me."

Logan gasps for air then closes his eyes. "Did I hurt anyone?"

Kurt release Logan, "Nothing that won't heal quickly," he walks around to be in front of Logan, "That was some nightmare, huh?" He was grateful Logan found his way back, though each time it was more difficult to wake Logan up.

"Yeah." He turns to sit on the bed but it isn't there. He takes in the destruction then slumps against the wall.

Kurt frowns. This was also the first time Logan had destroyed his room. "Why don't you sleep in my room tonight? We can clean this up in the morning."

"No." He rests his head against the wall and closes his eyes.

Kurt chuckles, "You can't sleep standing up."

Logan slides down the wall to sit on the floor.

Kurt sighs, knowing that Logan won't do what he doesn't want to. There is no point in arguing, "Alright. I'll get you a blanket."

"I'm fine. I don't need anything."

"What about some water or some-"

"Kurt, I said 'I'm fine'."

Kurt frowns, "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then. I'll help you with this mess. Goodnight."

Logan grunts out a 'goodnight' and Kurt leaves him to sleep.

The next morning, Kurt comes in quietly, but Logan can hear him easily, "Do you need help?"

Logan is throwing everything in a pile. The room is mostly clean except for that pile. "If you want."

Kurt goes over to Logan and puts a hand on his shoulder, "Logan. What's going on?"

Logan looks down at the bare floor. "Nothing."

Kurt knows that look. It's the 'I don't want to talk about it' look. But Logan should talk about it, it might help with the nightmares that are becoming increasingly more violent."I'm worried about you. You've always had nightmares, but nothing like this."

"They'll go away."

"What are they about?"

Logan scoops up an arm load of broken wood. "Nothing."

Kurt sighs, "Okay," he shakes his head and starts helping the clean up. No use arguing.

Logan watches Kurt pick up some of the stuff. "You shouldn't come in here before I wake up."

"Why?"

"You could get hurt."

"I'll be fine. You won't hurt me gravely."

Logan frowns as he heads down to the dumpster.

Kurt sighs and rubs his face. He backs up to sit on the bed but falls to the floor inside, "Right. No bed," he says as he looks over to the pile of broken things.

Logan makes several trips to the dumpster and soon his room is cleared out.

"Logan..." Kurt pauses, "You know I'm here for you, right? I know you're not big on emotions, or expressing them at least, but I am here for you."

"I know."

Kurt is quiet for a long time. Sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall. Best change the subject than, "What did you want to do today?" He hadn't meant for it to sound like they do things together every day.

"Get new blankets and a lock."

Kurt grins wide, "You know I can get in here whether or not the door is locked."

Logan narrows his eyes. "It's not to keep people out."

He had meant it as a joke. He is trying his best to lighten the mood, "Logan, if these nightmares are so bad that you have to lock yourself in..." Kurt shakes his head, "I wish you would confide in me. You usually do."

"It will go away."

Kurt frowns. He's not sure they will, "I need to go see the Professor," He says abruptly, "I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay."

Kurt smiles and stands, "I'm praying that it gets better for you, Logan." He says before leaving. He makes his way to the Professor's office and knocks.

Xavier is behind his desk, mulling over some papers. "Come in, Kurt."

Kurt opens the door and comes in. He closes the door behind him, "I'm worried about Logan. Though you probably already know that," he sits down.

Xavier sits back in his chair. "Because I can read your mind or because you are in here every other day about him?" He chuckles.

Kurt scratches his temple with the tip of his tail and gives a sheepish grin. He hadn't realized he had been by so often. He cares about his friend, though, so it only makes sense, "His nightmares are getting worse. Last night he destroyed his entire bedroom."

"I heard. Are you alright?"

Kurt nods, "I'm fine. But I'm not who I'm worried about."

"I'm afraid he won't hear you one of these times and you will be hurt."

"Then help me find a way to get through to him."

"You can't force his trust, Kurt."

"I'm not," he pauses. Was he forcing it without realizing it? Perhaps his good intentions had gone to that level. "At least, I don't think I am."

"My best advice is to just be there."

"Right," he pauses, "No idea how to make them stop?"

Xavier shakes his head. "That is a battle Logan will have to win for himself."

Kurt is quiet a long time. Something about what the Professor said made him think about his own dreams. He had tried not to think too much on them and prayed for forgiveness every time he awoke from them.

"So if anyone, not just Logan, were having dreams they weren't quiet fond of. They would just have to 'win the battle themselves'?" The question comes out before he realizes he was asking it.

Xavier smiles. "Of course not. But you have to tell someone your dreams if you want help with the battle, yes?"

Kurt clears his throat uncomfortably, "They're uh... Sexual in nature..." He says quietly, "I've been praying for them to stop, but they haven't..."

"Do you want them to stop?"

Kurt nods with wide eyes. He wanted this feeling of lust to go away.

Xavier purses his lips. "Have you tried acting out the dream?"

Kurt eyes go wide again, "Lust is a sin. And I-I'm a priest. I can't do things like that. I've taken vows."

"Of celibacy?"

Kurt nods, "Yes."

Xavier smiles sadly. "That is unfortunate. What exactly was said in these vows?"

"That I must sustain from any sexual behavior or activity and I must remain unmarried."

Xavier frowns softly. "Why would you take such a vow so young?"

"Because it is my calling. I am a servant of God and to become a Roman Catholic priest, there are vows you need to take."

Xavier shakes his head with a soft sigh. "I think you jumped the gun too early. These dreams sound like a place your heart wants to go. Not just the sin of lust, but something more. Were it of sin, your prayers would have sent them away."

Kurt thinks for a very long time, "Perhaps God is testing me."

"That is possible."

"I will think and pray some more on this."

"Is there anything else I can try to help you with?"

Kurt shakes his head, "Not at the moment."

Xavier smiles warmly as he reaches over to pet Kurt's hand. "I'm sure everything will work out."

Kurt nods, "Danke."

Xavier looks around his office a bit. "Ah. So I suppose I will seeing you then."

Kurt looks up from his thoughts, "Hm? Oh, yes," he stands, still worried about Logan.

"Enjoy your day."

Kurt nods and leaves the office. He decides to go to the chapel and pray a little before making his way back to Logan's room. When he finally goes back Logan is moving some furniture into his room.

"Need help?"

Logan sets the box he is carrying down. "If you want."

"Wouldn't it make sense to wait until the nightmares go away to start redecorating?" Kurt teases.

Logan blinks at Kurt then picks his box up again. He turns his back on Kurt and heads to his room.

Kurt follows Logan, "'Cause you'll end up destroying these things too."

"Better these things than someone else."

Why was Logan so cut off?

"Logan. Have I done something to upset you?"

"No." He brings the box into his room and starts to unpack it. There are other boxes in there already. Everything is marked 'Ikea'.

"You just seem distant and very short with me. Which is how you are with other people, but not me." Logan would usually joked back with the elf. Though Kurt might be over thinking things. What with Logan's nightmares and his own dreams. Maybe he was the one pulling away. Kurt chewed on that for awhile. Was he pulling away? He didn't think so. Though he might be trying too hard to be normal around Logan. He absently scratches his temple with his tail while he's lost in his thoughts.

Logan is suddenly very close to Kurt, nearly touching. "I don't want anyone to get hurt."

Kurt is so surprised that he bamfs back a few feet. Logan suddenly being close pulled him, no tore him out of his thoughts. And since teleporting his instinct, that's what he did, "Geez, you surprised me."

Logan frowns when Kurt pulls away. "Sorry." He turns and goes back to unpacking the box.

Kurt chuckles, "it's fine. I was just lost in thought," he goes over to Logan, "but you just witnessed why it would be difficult to hurt me."

Logan doesn't look up from the contents of the box. "I could have."

"And I could get hit by a bus crossing the street."

"That wouldn't be my fault."

"Let's just agree to disagree."

"Fine." He starts putting his new bed together.

Kurt starts helping, "I have a hard time imaging you in Ikea."

"It is cheap." He screws some stuff together. "I can buy online and they have it ready when I get there."

"Did you get a race car bed?" Kurt smirks.

"Why? Do you want to go for a ride?"

"I might. Does it have a horn?"

"I do."

Kurt blinks; confused, "what?"

"I do... have a..." He blinks at Kurt then shakes his head. "Never mind."

"I was asking about the bed."

Logan dips his head further. "The bed does not have a horn." Clearly,Kurt doesn't pick up on hidden meanings.

"Alright. Then I don't want to go for a ride." He says, trying to start joking again.

Logan sighs softly as he puts the last screw in his bed.

Kurt takes a step back, "Where's the mattress?"

"In the hall."

Kurt goes into the hall and grabs the mattress to bring it inside. Perfect. Logan moves up behind Kurt to help with the mattress, putting Kurt between himself and the mattress. "Let me help," he breathes into Kurt's ear.

Kurt drops the mattress and gasps, "I ummm... Okay," he picks the mattress up again and attempts to move it with Logan sandwiching him.

Logan presses up against Kurt as they move the mattress into the room.

Kurt puts the mattress down, "why don't we each just grab an end." His dreams end up flooding his mind. Having Logan so close isn't helping the situation either.

Logan looks down at Kurt. "It's already in the room now. I can get it."

"Oh right," he steps away from the mattress. He frowns, "Why are you pulling my tail?" He looks down and realizes that he had wrapped his tail around Logan's wrist, "oh," he chuckles and removes his tail, "Sorry."

Logan puts the mattress on the bed frame then unloads another box. "You can sit there if you want."

"I want to help you."

"You can build my chair." He points to another box.

"Okay." Kurt gets building. He builds it pretty quickly because he utilizes his tail. That and he was trying to get certain images out of his head.

Logan finishes the desk then sits on the bed. "That looks good."

Kurt nods, "It does," Though he wonders how long it would look good for.

"Probably won't for long."

Kurt shakes his head, "No," he tilts his head now, "is that why you purchased the ugly one?"

"I bought the cheap one... I guess that makes it the ugly one."

Kurt looks over at Logan and sits down beside him on the bed, "Now what?"

Logan looks over at Kurt and just stares for a long time without saying anything. "I don't know."

"What were you thinking just now?" Kurt smiles softly, "You went somewhere for a moment."

"You won't like it." He looks down at his hands and stretches out his fingers, palms down.

"Try me."

Logan stays quiet again. This time for an uncomfortable amount of time before taking Kurt's face in both his hands and pressing their lips together.

Kurt pulls away gently, taking Logan's hands in his. He's quiet for a moment, "I thought you were attracted to women."

Logan pulls away and moves over to the desk chair. "Nevermind." How could he have thought Kurt would understand? That he might feel the same. It was a pipe dream. An empty hope.

"Logan," Kurt deflates, "I'm trying to understand this."

Logan slumps over his knees, letting his hands dangle between them. "Me too."

Kurt gets up and goes to Logan, "What do you feel for me?"

"I don't know."

"Love? Lust? Passion?"

Logan rubs his face with both hands and growls. "I don't know!" It was frustrating enough having these feelings. He didn't need Kurt trying to analyze them.

Kurt takes a step back, "I'm just trying to help..." He says in a small voice.

"I told you that you wouldn't like it."

"Did I say I didn't?"

Logan shakes his head. "I shouldn't have said anything."

Kurt blinks and tilts his head, "You didn't. Not really." Trying to lighten the mood again.

Logan frowns. "Then it isn't an issue and you should just forget I did anything."

"Is that what you really want?"

Logan stands up to pace a little then looks out his window. "You have vows."

Kurt nods, "I do."

"Then that is what I want."

Kurt is quiet a moment. How can he forget something like this? A kiss like that? "I can't forget, but I can promise not to bring it up."

"Okay."

It suddenly became very awkward. "Listen. I'm going to go. I'll be in the chapel if you need me."

Logan closes his eyes and mutters softly.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

Kurt leaves the room quietly. He goes to the chapel where he immediately starts to pray. He prays for clarification about what had just happened with Logan. Clarification about his dreams; why is he having them? What do they mean? He prays for Logan's nightmares to go away. Prays that Logan will confide in him about them. He asks God for the confusion to stop. After he does his share of praying, Kurt goes into the confessional. He sits down and prays some more while waiting for someone to come and confess. Not a lot of the students do, but every now and then someone comes in to confess something.

Logan eventually makes his way to the chapel. He waits until Kurt goes into the one side of the confessional then marks the other as occupied. He goes into Kurt's side and just stands there a minute, looking at him.

Kurt blinks up at Logan, "Logan? What are you doing?"

Logan licks his lips before whispering, "I said... I always need you."

Kurt's eyes soften, "Logan," he takes Logan's hand.

Logan falls to his knees and hugs Kurt around the middle.

Kurt puts a hand on Logan's head, "it's okay. I'm not going anywhere."

Logan nuzzles into Kurt's lap, finding comfort here. The scent of Kurt, the warmth of him, even his velvety skin. All is a comfort.

"Is this what has been bothering you?"

Kurt frowns softly, "Okay."

"No."

Logan rests his cheek against Kurt's thigh. "I should go."

"Okay. I'll come to see you when I'm done here." His heart ached for Logan.

Logan stands up and cups Kurt's cheek. He frowns softly at himself then leaves the Confessional.

Kurt sighs quietly. He certainly had a lot of thinking to do.


End file.
